The Backstory

It all began in 1985. I was born. Fast forward a quarter of a century and things are drastically different than anyone would have hoped or imagined. The aggregate effect of thousands upon thousands of decisions and influences places me in a unique station of life. As I write this, my wife and I await the birth of our first child and we have begun to see the world in new ways, both exciting and terrifying. For the first time in our lives, we are not actively involved in a church, and yet we are growing spiritually in ways we never dreamed possible. I see things as they are, abandoning the disillusionment in which I have lived for the past several years and yearning for a new reality in which God is seen in His glory and feared, respected and loved.

I grew up in the church. I went to the school run by the church. I was blessed with wonderful teachers and leaders. I was taught to love, fear and respect God, but I never really understood why. I graduated high school a bit disillusioned with Christianity and the God of the Bible and I spent my first year of college like I had the many years before. I lived two lives. I was becoming more aware of this each and every day. I grew uncomfortable and uneasy with myself and I withdrew from those around me. I spent less time trying to keep up the "good Christian kid" facade. I couldn't spare the energy and I had to keep anyone from seeing how bad things were really getting on the other side. I was consumed by my addiction to pornography and I felt that it took all that I could muster to keep them from finding out how hooked I was. I knew they wouldn't ask questions if I didn't go to church, and after all, I was going next week.

The chasm grew and I spent less time trying to look good and more time trying to prevent the insidious sin from totally consuming my life. I didn't go to class or church or much else. I would occasionally venture to a college ministry gathering hoping that would somehow save me, but it was never enough. I went home for the summer and I thought I was doing better, but I learned that sin can lay dormant for a season. But when it comes back, it comes back even stronger. The Summer between my first and second year of college was like an incubator. Instead of actively destroying me, it was gathering its forces in preparation for the next attack. And that Fall, it nearly had victory over me. I spent a night in jail and my life changed forever.

I learned so much in the months that followed about God and I experienced Him in a new way. I read and I studied and I wept before Him. I was broken and I wanted to be healed desperately. The disparity between my two lives had been blown apart. The evil heart had been laid bare and I was forced to see it for what it was. God began to unify my heart and my mind through His Spirit and He showed me beautiful things. Keith Green became a mentor to me through his biography and I realized that there can be no compromise for the follower of Christ.

Before and after these events, I struggled greatly with God's will for my life. I was aimless. My parents were frustrated by my lack of progress in school, as was I. I had been encouraged to seek a high calling, a noble profession such as that of a doctor or lawyer. But after such a transformational time, I was only able to communicate that I wanted to help people. I believe this was a seed God planted in me to have a heart for His people, but the fledgling ideas and the encouragement of my parents to finish college led me to choose psychology and counseling as a course of study. I started strong, but faded quickly. I wrestled with many ideas and different axioms would become the word of the day. I could almost feel the disillusionment creeping in again, but I fought to avoid it. It would not be avoided, however. This time, instead of trying to play both sides, I almost gave up altogether. I was faced with choosing between the church and the world and I didn't like either option. I knew there was something else. I couldn't embrace my sin and I was tired of trying to avoid or hide it, but I didn't know what else to do.

I have come to a place now where I know what that third option is now. The only option is to turn to God. Fully resigned to His leading, I understand that life is more than choosing the right career and living a comfortable life. Before I realized that God was worthy of all my trust, I almost gave up. I was ready to consign my life to mediocrity and I was pouring myself into work. In a strategic move, God allowed me to make some decisions that would permanently alter my career prospects, provide me with a life mate, and force me to think about things from a new perspective. Before we were married, my wife was pregnant with our child. The decisions we made to indulge ourselves had extensive fallout in our lives as well as those of our families. In the wake of those poor decisions, God gripped me once again in brokenness. He has grown the seeds planted in my heart into seedlings. They have suffered as I have neglected them, but they are flourishing once again. There was a seed of valuing relationships that is growing into a desire for community. There was a seed of dependence on God that is growing into a safety and security that can't be found in this World. There was a seed of love that is growing into steadfast devotion.

God has been faithful. I have not. As I look upon the days to come and the ideas that I have about what it means to be a follower of Christ, the church, work, missions and many other things, I am excited. I am also terrified; placing my life and my family in God's hands isn't safe or secure. But we are ready to risk everything. He deserves so much more than that.