I remember in high school this feeling I would get. It would start in my stomach and take over all of my senses. It was strange, not overwhelming but persistent. It would occur when I would think of college, when I would see the stock video of a college campus during a football game. There was a sense of "this is what life should be like." I guess that idealism found a physical manifestation in the form of this feeling I would get.
College was nothing like I thought it would be. I wasn't casually observing a bunch of students as they walked through the late afternoon sunlight on a glorious Autumn day. There was no romance, no camaraderie, nothing that it made it feel like what college was supposed to feel like.
But the past few days, that feeling has returned. I don't know if it's the cool fall air or the way the sun illuminates everything so perfectly without being a major player in the composition. As I drove to work today, this feeling rode with me the whole way. It was like all was right with the world, this is how it was supposed to be. Funny thing about it though, it's been the way it's supposed to be all along, I just never got comfortable with that. I guess I've finally realized and rested in the fact that God does actually know what He's doing; even if I don't.
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Monday, September 21, 2009
Epiphanal singing
Every once in a while, I have a mini-epiphany, a sudden realization of some aspect of who I am that brings things a little more into focus. Most of the time it's just frustrating because even though I know what I am doing, it's hard to change it.
I've spent the last nine months of my life trying to convince myself that I like being lonely, that I am totally satisfied just like I am. I've worked so hard at it that I have made myself truly alone. I can only think of one other time in my life when I have felt so isolated, and I really don't want to revisit that time. I spend each day trying to convince myself that this is where God has put me and that I should just accept it instead of trying to change things. I thought that if I could just get used to being alone then I would get what I wanted and what I wanted was someone to share this life with. Instead, I seem to be deeper in the hole of loneliness than ever before. Not only has God not dropped my dream girl in my lap, I now don't know any girls. I don't even know any guys.
I'm tempted to say it's not sin, but it is. I've been relying on my own ability instead of His ability and I now pay the price of my sin which is essentially total alienation of everyone I've ever known. I find I spend more time with my family now, but even they don't know me. They never really have though. They know me as families often know children, in the way the child caters to their expectations. But rarely does it scratch below the surface into the real essence of my personality. And now, I fear there is no one who cares to go below the surface.
I'd like to blame others, but this boat was rocking well before they turned it over. In fact, they may have hastened this self-realization.
The sad reality is that I am now faced with doing something I am terrible at: making friends with people I already know. Some of them I have even been friends with before. I am great with outsiders, with people who don't know me. I charmed the socks of someone I didn't really know tonight, but that guy I've met a few times and still can't remember his name, I'm still scared of him. And that girl that went to a football game with me, I avoid her at all costs now. Not because of anything about her, but because I feel badly for my neglect of our relationship.
I have a lot of work to do and I don't even know what kind of work it is.
I've spent the last nine months of my life trying to convince myself that I like being lonely, that I am totally satisfied just like I am. I've worked so hard at it that I have made myself truly alone. I can only think of one other time in my life when I have felt so isolated, and I really don't want to revisit that time. I spend each day trying to convince myself that this is where God has put me and that I should just accept it instead of trying to change things. I thought that if I could just get used to being alone then I would get what I wanted and what I wanted was someone to share this life with. Instead, I seem to be deeper in the hole of loneliness than ever before. Not only has God not dropped my dream girl in my lap, I now don't know any girls. I don't even know any guys.
I'm tempted to say it's not sin, but it is. I've been relying on my own ability instead of His ability and I now pay the price of my sin which is essentially total alienation of everyone I've ever known. I find I spend more time with my family now, but even they don't know me. They never really have though. They know me as families often know children, in the way the child caters to their expectations. But rarely does it scratch below the surface into the real essence of my personality. And now, I fear there is no one who cares to go below the surface.
I'd like to blame others, but this boat was rocking well before they turned it over. In fact, they may have hastened this self-realization.
The sad reality is that I am now faced with doing something I am terrible at: making friends with people I already know. Some of them I have even been friends with before. I am great with outsiders, with people who don't know me. I charmed the socks of someone I didn't really know tonight, but that guy I've met a few times and still can't remember his name, I'm still scared of him. And that girl that went to a football game with me, I avoid her at all costs now. Not because of anything about her, but because I feel badly for my neglect of our relationship.
I have a lot of work to do and I don't even know what kind of work it is.
Saturday, September 19, 2009
Playing in the mud
I've often heard people compare immature Christians with little kids playing in the mud. They don't understand the great things that God has for them and they settle for far less than they should.
In my opinion, maybe we ought to be satisfied to sit and play in the mud. After all, this world we live isn't much more than a big mud pit anyway. Why not find contentment in it and use the plastic buckets and shovels God gives us here as we prepare for that which is to come, which is infinitely greater than anything we could possibly imagine.
To certain people, I have insinuated that my life is less than I would like it to be. If I had been honest with them, I would have told them that I love my life, that I can't think of anywhere I'd rather be or anything I would rather do.
I've been considering why I constructed this facade of discontentment and all I can deduce is that I was attempting either to more closely associate with them or I was simply unwilling to be honest. What a sad truth. If there were one thing about my life that I would change, I would be no longer be sinful, or at the very least less sinful. But each day is filled with abounding discovery of more and more sinfulness in my life.
So I'll be content to wait in the mud for that which is to come.
In my opinion, maybe we ought to be satisfied to sit and play in the mud. After all, this world we live isn't much more than a big mud pit anyway. Why not find contentment in it and use the plastic buckets and shovels God gives us here as we prepare for that which is to come, which is infinitely greater than anything we could possibly imagine.
To certain people, I have insinuated that my life is less than I would like it to be. If I had been honest with them, I would have told them that I love my life, that I can't think of anywhere I'd rather be or anything I would rather do.
I've been considering why I constructed this facade of discontentment and all I can deduce is that I was attempting either to more closely associate with them or I was simply unwilling to be honest. What a sad truth. If there were one thing about my life that I would change, I would be no longer be sinful, or at the very least less sinful. But each day is filled with abounding discovery of more and more sinfulness in my life.
So I'll be content to wait in the mud for that which is to come.
Sunday, September 13, 2009
fading
i saw a picture of what you could be
in real-life color like you and me.
the color faded and washed to gray
the real-life picture had gone away.
another day gone and one just the same
to lead us astray and wonder it came
away we went and created this mess
so we learn to cope with the pain and the stress.
in real-life color like you and me.
the color faded and washed to gray
the real-life picture had gone away.
another day gone and one just the same
to lead us astray and wonder it came
away we went and created this mess
so we learn to cope with the pain and the stress.
MIA
I came to the conclusion today while driving that a substantial part of my life is missing in action. I'm not sure what part it is, but I do know that it's the part I enjoy the most. Or the part that I hate so much that it actually makes whatever it is I have right now tolerable.
I can't say it's whole intolerable, but I certainly don't enjoy it. In fact I've never so missed joy in life. But I'm beginning to realize that I can't have the things I want so bad for the very reason that I want them so badly. It's like sugar. When you have a craving for it, you tend to go way overboard and make yourself sick. Only for me, the consequences would be far worse. In fact, illness would be great compared to what would happen.
I can't say it's whole intolerable, but I certainly don't enjoy it. In fact I've never so missed joy in life. But I'm beginning to realize that I can't have the things I want so bad for the very reason that I want them so badly. It's like sugar. When you have a craving for it, you tend to go way overboard and make yourself sick. Only for me, the consequences would be far worse. In fact, illness would be great compared to what would happen.
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
I keep waiting...
I need to learn a few lessons. You know, the ones you think you've learned but really haven't. I keep looking out for that one event, that one trial, that one person that finally pushes me around that corner. I feel like my life is right on the verge of being entirely different. It's like I'm standing on the edge, I feel like one of those characters on some television drama who suddenly reaches the breaking point and goes completely nuts. I keep waiting for someone to push me far enough that I snap and chew them out. I keep waiting for one more person I love to push me out of their life so I can justify withdrawing into oblivion never to love again. I keep waiting for the darkness to absorb me so I can just disappear and move on with a comfortable numbness around me. I keep waiting to return to the life I had before. I keep waiting to become an alcoholic or a drug addict. I keep waiting for God to let me go, because that's all that's holding me right now.
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