To church or not to church...

I have not regularly attended a church lately. Honestly, for almost two years I have been erratically attending three different churches. I grew up in a mega-church, so when my wife and I started looking for a new church before we were married we visited a smaller church in different neighborhood that was the same denomination. We went sporadically and then went back to our old church. My wife was pregnant when we got married at this church. To say we created quite a stir would be an understatement, and in the midst we received what I consider unbiblical counsel from the senior pastor. We immediately stopped attending and began to consider our options.

After we visited the smaller church, I decided we weren't going to visit any other churches for a while because I did not want to "church hop". We also knew that, since there were no couples our age, the smaller church would not be a good fit, even six months later. So we decided to visit another mega-church, this one of a different denomination. I began to feel spiritually energized but my wife wasn't quite convinced. She warmed up slowly and eventually we decided to go through the membership process.

I had been enamored with the way that this pastor clearly presented the Word of God. He said things that cut straight through the comfortable trappings of modern American Christianity and yet still managed to speak quietly and calmly without making you feel like a terrible person. He has the ability to encapsulate the entire message of God into a singularly moving experience instead of focusing on one aspect and losing sight of another. He reintroduced me to my Creator in a way that made me actually want to know Him instead of running the steam roller over the doctrines that were already implanted in my heart.

Tell me, what is the value of learning how to balance chemical equations if you never introduce the two chemicals to each other. You can never know if you're right if you never test your hypothesis. Growing up, it was all about knowing things about God, sermons on this attribute, or studies on this spiritual discipline and the delineation of the benefits of it. And for children, it is certainly important to give them this knowledge so that they can understand their experiences with God as they grow and mature. However, it's not enough to simply hand them this knowledge without showing them how to apply it. And I rarely, if ever, saw this knowledge at work.

Instead, I saw programs designed to reinforce the same things that had been taught before and more people being indoctrinated and fastened to the pews by the lack of powerful conviction. I remember hearing my dad respond to someone who had commented on how they were convicted by a sermon. He said, "I just wish I were convicted to action." This seems to be the problem with American churches. They are full of feelings, but those feelings fail to produce anything that noticeably sets them apart from the hoards that assemble on college campuses and in stadiums every week.

I received a mailing from the church I grew up in. The pastor of revitalization wrote the cover story of this particular edition and recounted the story of a church that attended one of their revitalization conferences and then held an event for the community. They prayed that they would have good weather and that God would "show up". Around 200 people cam to the event and 13 prayed to receive Christ.

Nothing against this church and their revitalization effort, but how long will the American church be satisfied with mediocrity? 13 prayed a prayer? And that's impressive? What happened to people following Christ by the thousands? I would assume their response would be, "Well God just doesn't work that way any more." I would counter saying that the church doesn't work that way any more. And, yes, I am implying that the church has strayed from the purpose for which God intended it.

My desire is that the church return to the purpose for which Christ established it. We should heed the warning in Revelation to the church at Ephesus:

Remember therefore from where you have fallen; repent, and do the works you did at first. If not, I will come to you and remove your lampstand from its place, unless you repent.

Let us not become enamored with numbers or programs. Let us not spin idle words concerning temporal issues of little importance. We are not to act as God's public relations team, communicating what God thinks about every movie or political or social concern. We are to share God with all the World. We are to be His children. And what son or daughter doesn't tell everyone about how great their dad is.

As long as church is a place you go and a thing you do, it will have little power in this World. A 6.5% return on an investment will continue to be lauded as long as programs replace relationships. Only when we stop concerning ourselves with the numbers instead of the people will the numbers really indicated the power of God in us. And the people will show the love of Christ. After all, isn't that how we are to be known?

The Backstory

It all began in 1985. I was born. Fast forward a quarter of a century and things are drastically different than anyone would have hoped or imagined. The aggregate effect of thousands upon thousands of decisions and influences places me in a unique station of life. As I write this, my wife and I await the birth of our first child and we have begun to see the world in new ways, both exciting and terrifying. For the first time in our lives, we are not actively involved in a church, and yet we are growing spiritually in ways we never dreamed possible. I see things as they are, abandoning the disillusionment in which I have lived for the past several years and yearning for a new reality in which God is seen in His glory and feared, respected and loved.

I grew up in the church. I went to the school run by the church. I was blessed with wonderful teachers and leaders. I was taught to love, fear and respect God, but I never really understood why. I graduated high school a bit disillusioned with Christianity and the God of the Bible and I spent my first year of college like I had the many years before. I lived two lives. I was becoming more aware of this each and every day. I grew uncomfortable and uneasy with myself and I withdrew from those around me. I spent less time trying to keep up the "good Christian kid" facade. I couldn't spare the energy and I had to keep anyone from seeing how bad things were really getting on the other side. I was consumed by my addiction to pornography and I felt that it took all that I could muster to keep them from finding out how hooked I was. I knew they wouldn't ask questions if I didn't go to church, and after all, I was going next week.

The chasm grew and I spent less time trying to look good and more time trying to prevent the insidious sin from totally consuming my life. I didn't go to class or church or much else. I would occasionally venture to a college ministry gathering hoping that would somehow save me, but it was never enough. I went home for the summer and I thought I was doing better, but I learned that sin can lay dormant for a season. But when it comes back, it comes back even stronger. The Summer between my first and second year of college was like an incubator. Instead of actively destroying me, it was gathering its forces in preparation for the next attack. And that Fall, it nearly had victory over me. I spent a night in jail and my life changed forever.

I learned so much in the months that followed about God and I experienced Him in a new way. I read and I studied and I wept before Him. I was broken and I wanted to be healed desperately. The disparity between my two lives had been blown apart. The evil heart had been laid bare and I was forced to see it for what it was. God began to unify my heart and my mind through His Spirit and He showed me beautiful things. Keith Green became a mentor to me through his biography and I realized that there can be no compromise for the follower of Christ.

Before and after these events, I struggled greatly with God's will for my life. I was aimless. My parents were frustrated by my lack of progress in school, as was I. I had been encouraged to seek a high calling, a noble profession such as that of a doctor or lawyer. But after such a transformational time, I was only able to communicate that I wanted to help people. I believe this was a seed God planted in me to have a heart for His people, but the fledgling ideas and the encouragement of my parents to finish college led me to choose psychology and counseling as a course of study. I started strong, but faded quickly. I wrestled with many ideas and different axioms would become the word of the day. I could almost feel the disillusionment creeping in again, but I fought to avoid it. It would not be avoided, however. This time, instead of trying to play both sides, I almost gave up altogether. I was faced with choosing between the church and the world and I didn't like either option. I knew there was something else. I couldn't embrace my sin and I was tired of trying to avoid or hide it, but I didn't know what else to do.

I have come to a place now where I know what that third option is now. The only option is to turn to God. Fully resigned to His leading, I understand that life is more than choosing the right career and living a comfortable life. Before I realized that God was worthy of all my trust, I almost gave up. I was ready to consign my life to mediocrity and I was pouring myself into work. In a strategic move, God allowed me to make some decisions that would permanently alter my career prospects, provide me with a life mate, and force me to think about things from a new perspective. Before we were married, my wife was pregnant with our child. The decisions we made to indulge ourselves had extensive fallout in our lives as well as those of our families. In the wake of those poor decisions, God gripped me once again in brokenness. He has grown the seeds planted in my heart into seedlings. They have suffered as I have neglected them, but they are flourishing once again. There was a seed of valuing relationships that is growing into a desire for community. There was a seed of dependence on God that is growing into a safety and security that can't be found in this World. There was a seed of love that is growing into steadfast devotion.

God has been faithful. I have not. As I look upon the days to come and the ideas that I have about what it means to be a follower of Christ, the church, work, missions and many other things, I am excited. I am also terrified; placing my life and my family in God's hands isn't safe or secure. But we are ready to risk everything. He deserves so much more than that.

New Beginning

From time to time, I've kept my thoughts in public view here. And from time to time, I've had to remove some of those thoughts. I posted a few items worth reading, but the vast majority of what I delivered to the inhabitants of the interwebs was self-absorbed and narcissistic prose.

I'd like to apologize for that now and offer up something better. I promise that I will not use this as a forum in an attempt to communicate with anyone or express my displeasure with individuals. I promise to create intelligent material that contributes something to the various topics that collide in my head.

I do not promise that I will be right about everything. I have more questions than answers, but I will be honest and will make every attempt to exercise wisdom.

Thanks for reading.